i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
