he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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