Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
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you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
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Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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