and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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