i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
