she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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