based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
