if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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