Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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