You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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