eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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