I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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