i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
