dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
