and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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