My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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