I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
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This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
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You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
COCAINE IS GR8
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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