just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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