I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
