It's Friday. Sex?
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
