i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
