Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
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I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
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Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
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