respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
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