You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
