i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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