Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
