Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
