he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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