Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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