therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
