I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
