Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
