I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"