Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
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Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
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Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.