Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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