dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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