The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Randomize
