the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
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