Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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