i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
