you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
