is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
