he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
