He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
