Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
