He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
