every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
