im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
