I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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