I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Randomize
