I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
