remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
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