It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
