She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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