Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
