The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
