She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
